Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The four types of coffee drinkers

Well, it's food-related... sort of. Anyway, this was a paper I wrote for an English class about 11 years ago. Not the best stuff I've written (that was lost to a corrupt floppy disk shortly after school ended for me), but not bad either. Anyway, I keep losing this and finding it again, so I want to put it up on the internet somewhere so it won't get lost permanently like my other, better stuff. And this blog seems as good a place as any.

The Four Types Of Coffee Drinkers

There's an old saying that reads "I like my coffee like I like my women: strong and black," and that pretty much holds true for me. Sort of. I won't get into the part about the women, but the coffee part of it is pretty much accurate.

When it all boils down, there are really only four types of coffee drinkers: the strong-and-black, the cream-only, the sugar-only, and the cream-and-sugar type.

Let's start with the first one: strong-and-black. This is a type of person who is confident and bold; sensitive, yet manly. He projects an image that says "I drink coffee that's so good I don't need to add any of your "flavor enhancing" preservatives. To do so would only announce to everyone that either I'm a wimp who can't handle real coffee, or that I'm drinking really bad coffee that needs to be doctored up in order to be drinkable. This type of person is well-respected by others.

Then there's the cream-only type. This is a person who's really not sure of himself. He doesn't want to look like a wimp in front of his friends by adding sugar as well, but he's not confident enough to take the bold approach and go the strong-and-black route, so he compromises and takes a middle-of-the-road stance, trying to maintain a shallow image of respectability with other coffee drinkers.

The sugar-only type of coffee drinker has no credibility at all, in my opinion. They're mentally unstable. Nobody in his right mind would drink coffee like that, so insanity is the obvious explanation. If you do a background check on a person who's given to the sugar-only way of drinking coffee, you'll find that most of them have been committed to a mental institution at least once in the recent past.

Lastly, we have the cream-and-sugar type. This is the worst kind of all. These people have delicate tastebuds that can't be offended at all by the slightest hint of flavor. This type of person is usually over-sensitive and can't deal with raw truth. Everything must be sugar-coated and smoothed over to be acceptable to him. He tends to be immature and regressive in personality.

There you have it- the four basic types of coffee drinkers. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe my herbal tea is done brewing